Don't Cry
by Arldetta
Summary: A few months Post-TPM, and Obi recieves a visitor. ObiOC A little vignette, complete unless demanded otherwise. Please Read and REVIEW!


Title: Don't Cry  
  
Author: Arldetta  
  
Disclaimers: Big shocker, I don't own star wars.  
  
Spoilers: Only for my own stuff. No harm otherwise.  
  
Summary: It's a few months after TPM and Obi receives a visitor. This doesn't really deal with Qui's death specifically, but his guilt. I don't know if that makes sense or not, I guess you'll just have to read it.  
  
Author's Note: Just so you know, I actually wrote this little vignette back in July of 2002. I have just been debating on whether or not to bother posting it. I finally just decided to go ahead and post. Just keep in mind this is not my better stuff. And as always thanks for reading!  
  
-----------------------------------------------------------------  
  
It has been three months since the mission to Naboo, and Obi-Wan still remained in seclusion. He had become a recluse since his return to the Temple. Others had come to offer condolences and sympathies. The Council granted him his solitude as he accepted his new position in the order, giving him the time to adjust. He had requested that Anakin be given separate quarters until he could re-organize the apartment that he and Qui- Gon had shared.  
  
The new initiate's room was not far from his new Master's but the distance was hard to deal with. Anakin had mourned for Qui-Gon as well, and owed him much for his release. However, their relationship was brief and he did not understand the depth of connection that Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan shared.  
  
Obi-Wan kept to himself over this time as he heard whispers and noticed the sympathetic glances directed towards him. He was different from the other Jedi now. In the past thousand or so years, no Jedi has seen a Sith Lord. Yet, not only did Obi-Wan encounter one, but also defeated him, at the cost of his Master, Qui-Gon Jinn's, life. He had also accepted the request made by his dying mentor to train a boy to be a Jedi. This in itself was not a bizarre implorment, the problem was that the boy was not a Jedi student, and the Council feared the boy's training, but also that the Jedi set to do this was not even a Knight. Given a Padawan before Knighthood was simply unheard of. At least until now. Obi-Wan shied away from the other Jedi knowing that the entire situation caused others around him distress. His closest friends did however try to comfort his disturbed countenance. Bant, Garen and Reeft had all tried to help their friend. Even, Siri and some Council members stopped to give support. But none of it helped, Obi- Wan still felt extremely alone.  
  
At the moment Obi-Wan sat isolated in his apartment, meditating, when his entry alerted him of a visitor. Breaking from his thoughts he opened the door to find someone he hadn't seen in a long time. In fact, he had been avoiding her ever since that horrible mission. And now she stood in his doorway. His manners returned and he offered, "Won't you come in?" She nodded and entered the communal room. She paused and waited for him to follow.  
  
"It's been a long time." She said over her shoulder as he came up behind her. "It took me a while to build up the courage to come here. But I wanted you to know how sorry I was to hear about Qui-Gon. Mira always mentioned how kind and thoughtful he was." MysAri turned to look at him. She gazed into his turbulent blue-green eyes.  
  
Obi-Wan watched the younger Jedi Padawan enter. Her black hair had grown since he had last seen her and her eyes were still the brilliant emerald he remembered. Only now they held a deep sorrow in them as well. Obi-Wan could not stare at them any longer as his hidden guilt surfaced. He adverted his eyes toward the floor.  
  
They stood silent for a few moments. MysAri reached up and touched the hair behind his ear where his Padawan braid used to hang. "And I also wanted to congratulate you on your promotion. I know it's overshadowed right now, but it is still a great honour. I hope to take the Trials in the next few years. My Master thinks I should be ready by then."  
  
"I'm sure you will do well." He responded politely. And silence fell between them for a second time. After a few minutes the deafening silence roared for salvation and Obi-Wan responded. "I'm sorry I." He couldn't finish, his emotions swirled within him.  
  
"It's ok. We've avoided each other. MiraCyn needed time after Feswyyck and I went with her for support. She couldn't return to the Jedi, not then anyway. I did my best to help, but I couldn't stay away too long. After a year, I returned to active duty. She followed a year later. It was a battle but she finally convinced the Council to send her on a mission. She saved so many. A bomb had been placed in a highly populated area, and she evacuated them all. She knew there wasn't much time left, but she went back in to attempt to defuse it. At least that's what she told her contact.  
  
"I didn't go with her, but she sent me one last message. She told me that she loved me and to tell you that she didn't blame you. She knew there was nothing you could have done. And that no matter what, you are not responsible for what happened on Feswyyck. And neither was I. It was difficult to deal with but I finally realized that it wasn't my fault. I knew it wasn't yours either. I didn't search you out because I was afraid you would be angry with me. Or worse, yourself, and I didn't know how to handle it. I only hoped Qui-Gon was able to help you deal.."  
  
"Qui-Gon didn't know. I never told him. And I made the Council promise to keep it secret." Obi-Wan interrupted.  
  
What he just told her, shocked her. "Why?" Her eyes began to glisten and their color became so dark that they appeared as voids that burrowed down to her very soul.  
  
"It was my error. My problem. My guilt. He didn't need to know. I returned before him and I felt I should deal with it alone." He answered.  
  
"But it wasn't your fault. We all took part in it. If anyone's to blame it was those damn Wyykans. The guilt was not yours alone to bear. Please tell me you know that." Her voice was pleading with him to dismiss her fears. There was no response as he gently pulled away from her. He moved toward a chair across the room, but did not sit. His hand clasped the back and she could see his fingers turn white under the pressure. For the third time, reticence filled the room. Slowly, she made her way in front of the young Knight. What MysAri found almost ripped her heart right from her chest. His eyes closed, tears traced the youthful features. She touched his face lightly to wipe away the tears. Opening his eyes in response, she was able to briefly gaze into his soul. A shadow clung to the gentle spirit behind the turbulent sea. Finally, she concluded, "You carry too much burden, Tschüxani."  
  
Obi-Wan peered back at her empathetic eyes. "You can still call me that?" The distress apparent in his voice.  
  
"Why wouldn't I? It describes you better now than it ever has before." Her tone was gentle as MysAri caressed his cheek.  
  
"It should be saved for someone worthy of such endearment. Not someone who can only offer pain and suffering." Obi-Wan tried to pull away but Mys's other hand reached up to effectively trap his face.  
  
"Is that what you think you do?" Determined, but kind, she pressed him, hoping that she might be able to squash this persistent negativity.  
  
Firmly, he replied, "Yes, I've hurt every person that I ever cared for."  
  
"And none more than yourself." She paused as he closed his eyes again at the rebuke. "How long do you plan on punishing yourself? No one else would need to, even if they were so inclined. You seem content to do it for them."  
  
Abruptly, he turned away, finally breaking free of her hold in an attempt to remove himself from the conversation. "You don't understand."  
  
MysAri hurried to stop him, her hand pulled at his arm to bring him back around. "Then tell me. Tell me so that I can accept this self- condemnation."  
  
"I..I." he stammered. Finally dropping to the floor unable to remain on his feet, he put his face in his hands. Muffled, the confession came, "I failed." A hushed interlude followed, as MysAri ran through the possibilities of his reasoning.  
  
"Failed, how?"  
  
"I have failed everyone. Cerasi, Tahl, Bant, Bruck, Yoda, you and most of all Qui-Gon."  
  
"You never failed," she tried to reassure the distraught man she cared for so deeply.  
  
"Yes I did," he countered quickly. Shaking his head for a moment, he didn't want to dredge up the memories, but knew he needed to explain his reasoning. "Cerasi and Tahl both died because of me. My mistakes cost them their lives. If I had been more alert Cerasi would still be alive. If I had not delayed Qui-Gon, not only would Tahl still be here, but she would be able to see."  
  
MysAri knew a little about his early missions and how they affected the Temple. But she also knew more than he realized, and with this knowledge in mind, she offered, "You can't blame yourse."  
  
Cutting off her dismal, he continued, "Bruck died because I could not save him. I was not fast enough. And I almost cost Bant her life."  
  
"But, Bant's alive, Obi." she tried pointing out his success in saving his friend, but he obviously would not hear it.  
  
"But I failed her when Tahl died. She doesn't have to say anything. I know what my mistake cost her."  
  
Now, MysAri, getting frustrated at his rationality, voiced her opinion, "From what I understand Tahl left without her. You were not responsible for that."  
  
"No, but I didn't bring back her Master, did I?" Obi-Wan's rebuttal caught her off guard, and she thought for a moment.  
  
Quietly, Mys said, "That wasn't the point."  
  
"Wasn't it?" He let out a quick laugh of irony. MysAri could see the raging storms behind the usually calm seas, swelling to release their pain. Again, her hand wiped away the torment, as he confided, "Yoda had faith in me once. He compelled Qui-Gon to take me as a Padawan on more than one occasion. I failed him when I told him that I would train Anakin with or without the Council's consent. And now I'm failing him too."  
  
At that moment, Mys understood how much the future taunted the young Knight, "Anakin?"  
  
He nodded then continued. "I'm afraid to train him. Afraid that I'll fail Qui-Gon again. Even after his death, I still seek his approval."  
  
"He loved you, Obi. I saw it many times: the love in his eyes, when he looked at you."  
  
"There may have been affection, but how could he love me? I betrayed him. I failed him and I was to blame for his one true love dying. How could anyone love a murderer?"  
  
His last question, flamed MysAri's temper, but she calmed herself enough to speak steadily, "You are not a murderer." The fervor of her declaration made Obi-Wan pause. His wide-eyed glare caused her to soften her tone before adding, "You are the gentlest creature I know in this Force-forsaken galaxy. The brightest light, full of unconditional love for those you come in contact with. No one in this universe gives themselves so freely to strangers. Blindly accepting anything thrown at you to better the lives of others. You say you give only pain and suffering, but it's not true."  
  
Shaking her head, she stated, "All you know is pain and suffering. Even though we were sheltered from infancy, it still managed to find a home in you. Now as we get older the dangers and consequences of our position only get harder. And as you face these difficulties by yourself, we can only stand by and watch helplessly as they work to destroy you."  
  
Timidly, she tried to reel in her own swirling emotions, before going on. "Can't you see? We so desperately want to help but the only thing we have been able to do is give you as much support as possible. Trying to show you that I. we love you with all of our hearts."  
  
His turbulent seas glanced up at her and he could see the longing in her eyes. His emotional state could not conceal her slip. "MiraCyn told me what Tschüxani really means. After the kidnapping. You said it was a term for someone who is troubled. Did you hold me in your heart then?"  
  
This was a subject she was not prepared to discuss at the moment. Quickly, she dismissed the topic, "That's a question for another time. I'm not here to talk about me."  
  
He watched her fidget under his glare, but he did not want to back down now. She had pressed him to discover why he despised himself so, and he would prove his point. "And what about you? I failed Mira and in turn failed you. What about the scars you bare because of me?" Suddenly, he grabbed at her arm and pulled the sleeve back to reveal the old remnants of a wound. "How did you get this?"  
  
Startled by the exposure, she managed to re-focus. "I got that because I chose to take a risk. I would have done it for anyone."  
  
His tone pleaded with her to understand, "But you didn't do it for just anyone, you did it for me."  
  
"I'd do it again if I had to." Again silence engulfed them. Slowly and softly, MysAri reasoned aloud, "If anyone was in my position, they would have done it too." She found her new course of action and implored him with it. "Do realize how much people care for you? How much this self- castigation bothers us? And no matter how hard we try, we can not set you free."  
  
It was hard to hear; to believe that so many sought to help him. The worst part of it was that he didn't want to be free of his pain, his guilt. "I'm not deserving of such sentiment."  
  
"Because you believe so?" She reached out to grasp his hands again. "We don't. Why is that so hard to accept? Does our council mean so little?"  
  
Obi-Wan shook his head, he valued the time spent with his friends. Often taking their advice on so many matters when he was seeking guidance. "I appreciate everything you have all tried to do for me. And I do my best to heed your council."  
  
"Except where it concerns your guilt," MysAri finished what he could not bring himself to say aloud. "We have come to accept your shadow since you are so unwilling to be rid of it." She watched as his eyes fell to his hands. "Tschüxani, listen to me. You're not alone. You aren't the only student, Padawan, Master to have harbored a guilty conscience. We're all afraid of failure. We're all seeking approval. And when we don't get it, it still hurts."  
  
For the first time since she arrived, he looked into her eyes. The usually bright emeralds were dark now, reflecting the sorrow in her soul. But he could also see that hint of need, of desire, to ease his suffering. He saw that look once before and for the first time he spoke of it, "My Master was nearly destroyed when Tahl died. I heard it in his voice, saw it in his face. I vowed then that I could not put another through that torment. And am unwilling to face it myself. I cannot give you my approval."  
  
Disappointed with herself for being unable to keep her emotions hidden from him, she did her best to console him. "I did not ask for it. I may want it, but I'll never ask you to give it. As Jedi, we have accepted a life of solitude. And I respect that, because I understand who we are. Just don't neglect your friends. And if you include me as one of your friends I will be contented. They only want to help. Talk to them, too. And remember I will always be here for you." A sad smile crossed her lips before adding, "If ask for it you do, my support will you have." She said with a twinkle in her eyes as she used the ancient Master's dialect.  
  
Obi-Wan returned the gesture, "I'll remember that."  
  
The light smile was the most beautiful thing MysAri had seen in a long time. And with those gentle gestures, the mood around them lightened. "Good. Now is there any way I can convince you to stop blaming yourself?"  
  
His smiled broadened. "I doubt it." Appreciative that she conceded to the stalemate they found themselves in, Obi-Wan offered, "But maybe knowing that you are there to hear me, will get me on the right path."  
  
Sighing, she leaned against the side of a chair. "I know Yoda will be happy to hear that."  
  
Agreeing, he added, "Bant and Garen too, I'm sure." They both let out a soft chuckle, before staring at each other again. Minutes passed as they held the other's gaze. Something had changed in their relationship, a new understanding flowed between them and for once the silence was not awkward of condoning.  
  
Finally, MysAri broke the silence, "Could I at least interest you in dinner?"  
  
Excited about their renewed friendship, Obi-Wan nodded. Carefully, they got to their feet and headed out of the apartment.  
  
------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Please, please, please, please, please, please don't forget to give me your feedback. I would greatly appreciate it. :D 


End file.
